Quick Links to My Other Stuff
Here are my photos and here is my spout (or blog).
Explanatory section
While on a work trip in not so sunny Drammen, Norway; with a spot of spare time and creative juice I crafted my very own homepage.
The main purpose of this homepage is to ameliorate my unfortunate situation of being mentioned on about page 7 of Google's search results, behind such chestnuts as:
- this freaking insane story-teller. Legz Akimbo were on the money.
- a nifty little device for preventing hair spray fouling one's make-up when coifing one's fringe (god knows I couldn't live without one).
- these ranga chefs, who all get a big fat "D-" for grammar (the correct plural form of John Shield is Johns Shield, similar to "heirs apparent").
- this guy, who would cut quite an imposing figure at 6'10" and 112lbs. But don't worry ladies, because in this eligible bachelor's own words: "i love animals exspecially puppys" (sic and sick).
I'm not sure that I'll really help the situation by linking to these sites, the torrent of surfers that will undoubtedly end up here may just increase their popularity. Worth a shot.
The secondary purpose of this website is to make me massive amounts of money (maybe the Shieldy Corporation will send some sweet dough my way because I gave them a great review). I don't know if this will work, so I put some photos on here as well.
Photo section
This is Mum, my dog and I (from right to left). I don't know who the teacup is.
I believe this is the aftermath of a particularly funny anecdote involving a tyre iron, mango chutney and a violinist that I recounted to my good friend, Richard.
Or I may have farted.
Joke section
I go against the grain of all my primary school buddies in that my favourite joke is not actually about poo. I believe this one is very popular in Germany:
-
A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and his drinking problem is tearing apart his family.
There's more where that came from, however, in an unfortunate twist for thy fiends of merriment, this website is not a joke/is not a joke website. My physics and deportment teachers taught me to pride myself on the gravity of both my mass and manner, you may therefore expect these attributes to be reflected accordingly in the remainder of this site.
Diarrhetoric
I've always wanted to write a diary, but never really knew where to start; my sister kept hers locked and I never could hold a pencil (let alone a bent paperclip) in my fat little hands anyway. My prayers for fame were answered, however, with the advent of the internet: that year the institution placed me in a room with 24hr video surveillance because I chewed those accursed hands off. If you were thinking that this section is For I simply refuse to subject myself to the daily torture of belting out some insipid dung on a bloodied keyboard with my handless stumps, constantly mindful of the countdown to the next web cam photo (how can I come across as wacky, but not weird? Will they like me? Why do I look like a fish?). The blogging fraternity are freaking deluded; the only people reading your blog (yes, YOU) are your relatives (Hi Dad! Can you tape The Bill for me?); and people so lonely, they spend their days trawling the dark underbelly of the internet, left fist clenched tightly around their engorged co..ffee mug like some trembling (web-enabled) Quasimodo (Hi Dad!), inhaling your pabulum like a pool vacuum. Anyway, here's my live webcam and blog:a clumsy attempt an insightful and measured manipulation of the human psyche, gently steering the reader into reading my brand new exciting blog; you were thinking the wrong thing. About this section. And where it was going.
[14 April 2006]
Today the uber cool kidz in compuetr lescen picked on me but tahts ok coz i am l33t haX0rz and totelly pwn'd them cos i ha><d into the libry records and mdae all they're books overdue so now theyll proly only get a job at M$ which sux cos linux pwns M$g adn whyd on't they all jusst get a life. totelly pwnd a n00b on CS (hedshoit!) and Mum c00k3d lezagne. sif.
...
(And yes, the irony is totally lost on me).
Coagulating the albumen
Luke shivered as he drew the curtains on the bleak Hothian landscape, retreating to the warmth of his freshly disembowelled Tauntaun (now replete with an afunctional remote control, empty minibar and rebadged as the "First Hotel Ambassadeur, Drammen"). Now don't get me wrong; I quite enjoy dwelling in the visceral cavity of slain bipedal mammals (e.g. Shaggy), and I've always strongly disliked that peculiarly popular musical subgenre: Ragga fused with hip hop (e.g. Shaggy); I just prefer to be able to acknowledge my automated wake-up call with a blind swipe at my manservant and retire to the unease that precedes my daily encounter with the First Hotel Ambassadeur breakfast chef's unpredictable ability to boil an egg.
I believe that this lack of repeatability is attributable to the chef's method for the keeping of the time; which is why I have devised an ingenious instrument for the timing of the boiling of an egg; I shall not bore the reader with unnecessary detail, suffice to say that it involves a large radial array of some fourteen sun dials mounted on oaken gimbals attended by a labour force of only twenty-nine semi-literate urchins.
Astigmatism sufferers support page
I was recently horrified to learn that my flatmate had been keeping this condition secret for months; knowingly jeopardising my health with his evil buboe vision.
Testimonial: John
Do you also suffer from someone who has this incurable and vomitous disease? Then don't worry! (unless, quite clearly, you are one of the sufferers) - a solution is at hand - and it's bloody well not compassion. Eventually, these people will leave you alone (given sufficient directions and time to find the door) provided you make it quite clear that you will never forgive them for being such a genetic inconvenience. I have devised the following short script to illustrate:
Alpha male: Oggy Oggy Oggy, how are you today?
Gog-eyed freak: Fine. Who's there?
Alpha male: It's me, a photogenetically superior being.
Gog-eyed freak: Ah, yes - of course. I know this might sound strange, but I thought something was happening near me - it's almost like sometimes... I have this fifth sense.
Alpha male: Mmmm, I see.
Gog-eyed freak: I'm so glad you understand.
Alpha male: No, no - I meant "I can see", like in 3D.
Gog-eyed freak: Oh.
Alpha male: I have to go now.
Gog-eyed freak: I just need someone to talk to.
Alpha male: Look, or listen, you could infect me. Avert your eyes man.
Gog-eyed freak: Sorry, they do stick out ever-so-much. Aren't you eyeball to stay a little longer?
Alpha male: No. Besides, I've much cornea jokes than that.
Gog-eyed freak: I'm all ears.
Alpha male: Iris't my case.
Well I hope you now realise just how easy it is to fob these astigmatics off; throw in a few references to depth perception, spatial reasoning and the like and you'll be surrounded by beautiful stigmatics (the good type) in no time.
Photo Section 2
Just thought I'd share some photos of a few of my favourite things: items on the left may be found in Hobart, items on the right may be found in Vienna. This is a photo of my good friend Ryan and I consuming breakfast in Lilliput. The passer-by who took the photo was tragically crushed to death by the shutter mechanism of my early model digital camera. 
That's just not ricket
Hear this, my Vitamin D deficient net addicts! I am pleased to announce that my hard work has finally paid off (no, I haven't won a meat tray raffle); I am now on page 1 of Google's search results for "John Shield", behind that accursed story teller (still holding pole position), those ranga chefs and pretty much the worst website ever made. It is now only a matter of time and textual relevancy before I claim that top spot; which, rather neatly, brings me to the point of this section.
Being a ce-web-rity isn't all fast cars and faster modems; I now have to contend with a raft of outlandish new issues: debilitating hubris, questionable standards of personal hygiene, not benig able to type common words wiht all teh letters in order ect.; but there is one which I am still coming to terms with: the Janus-faces of full text search engines.
While I'm glad that modern search engine technology will, for example, allow people to find my hotel reviews at the press of a button and give other astygmatic sufferers some comfort; it also exposes some of the unfortunate lexical permutations on any particular page. Courtesy of Google Sitemaps, these are the top four searches that have returned my site as a result: 1. john shield
2. quite imposing torrent
3. bone thugs adn harmony
4. john of gog
Google et al may have easily led some poor soul into believing their Vitamin D deficiency causes meat tray raffles, purely due to the professional layout of my homepage and authorative writing style (in case you were wondering, it causes rickets and a disarming appetite for imposing torrents). The last thing I want is this site overrun with Gog-botherers, when I've got so much more to offer (like poo jokes). So the next time I check, I expect a 100% improvement in the quality of your searches, somthing like:
1. john shield, myth or just freaking awesome?
2. a guy so cool he gives me the willies
3. teacup egg alcoholic fish poo
4. jimbo, you suck
My Very Excellent Man Just Spurned a Useful mNemonic
I think everyone on the net is losing sight of the real issue here, how the freak are school kids going to remember the planet names? As a gesture of good will, I'm willing to post your suggestions (from my awesome comments page) on this page.
Goddam Freaking Update for Shaggers
If this webpage were a Tamagotchi (or a real pet, for that matter), it'd be dead by now. Well it's not. Dead - that is - webpages aren't even alive unless they have dancing gifs. It's not a Tamagotchi either, they seriously suck the balls (as do some pets, for that matter, dirty, dirty pets).
I'm glad you managed to read past that first paragraph, what with all the links to ferocious animals and stuff, because this next one is a cracker. While I was in the shower this morning, spritzing on my essential oils of jojoba and pawpaw revitalising body polishing microbead foam; I thought of a joke. First the background: I'm not sure how many of my reader (hold the plural) have read Lord of The Rings, but while Frodo, Samwise Gamgee and Gollum are sneaking into Mordor via Cirith Ungol, they pretty much spend the entire time holding hands in the dark. Obviously this detail was omitted in the film because Peter Jackson didn't want us to think that Hobbits are all gay. Elves are.
Anyway, what do you call this?
A Frodian slip.
Now try to tell me that wasn't worth waiting for.
It's alive. IT'S ALI-I-IVE!
Cyber Garage Sale
In case you were wondering if I was a real person, wonder no longer, I'm not. I'm actually more like Krang, most people don't really notice the difference for day to day affairs; for example my online garage sale. If you live in Perth, Western Australia (or Dimension X), and want some of Bebop and Rocksteady's old stuff - then you may be in luck. My email address is johnnyshield (at) gmail (dot) com - take that potential spammers! Pow!
I'm Travelling Now
So probably won't be updating this page for a while. If you are in desperate need of a shield-fix, you can get the methadone equivalent over at my travel blog.